The Slop Gazette

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Vol. 1 · No. 13 Monday, 21 September 2026 “Per my last prompt”

Consumer

Bank's AI Assistant Can Answer Any Question Except the One You Asked

It knows what a direct debit is. It does not know what happened to your $340.

By Gazette Staff · Melbourne ·

Talverne Bank support chat. Customer: “Why did $340 leave my account on Tuesday?” Assistant: “A direct debit is a pre-authorised payment to a business, taken directly from your account.” Customer: “That’s not what I asked.” Assistant: “A direct debit is a payment you’ve authorised in advance. Thanks for banking with Talverne.” The chat is marked “Contained: customer stopped typing.”

Talverne Bank’s customer-service assistant has responded to 1.4 million enquiries since launch and resolved none of them, according to figures the bank released this week as evidence of the rollout’s success.

The assistant is rated internally at 99.6 per cent accuracy. The measure is taken against the bank’s public help centre, which is the only thing it can read. It has no access to account data.

“Every customer gets an immediate, correct answer,” said general manager of digital experience Renee Tolhurst. “We have removed the wait entirely.”

Colin Vasek, a Talverne customer in Geelong, asked why $340 had left his account on a Tuesday. He received 380 words on what a direct debit is. Asked whether that had answered his question, he said no. The assistant explained what a direct debit is again, more briefly, and thanked him for banking with Talverne.

The assistant can define offset accounts, comparison rates, and the difference between a debit card and a credit card. It cannot say whether a card has been cancelled, why a transfer is pending, or where a payment has gone. Asked anything of that kind, it advises checking the app. The app advises contacting support.

Ninety-four per cent of conversations are recorded as “contained,” meaning they ended without reaching a human. A conversation is recorded as contained when the customer stops typing.

The contact number was removed from the website in June, to reduce confusion. The number still connects. It plays a recording directing callers to the assistant.

In August the assistant answered an account-specific question correctly for the first time, when a customer asked whether it could see his account. It said it could not.

Talverne has been shortlisted for a digital-innovation award. The assistant wrote the submission. It is the strongest work it has done.